Blogs ‘R’ Alex

Had a dream, a very… emotional dream. I can’t remember the last time I really cried. Reading Stephen King’s “The Green Mile” brought me really close, but, no I haven’t cried in a long while. Not when my granduncle passed. Not when both my grandfathers passed. Damn, I don’t think I’ll be crying at anyone’s funeral.

Just proven myself wrong last night. I cried at my own funeral.

Well, not really my own funeral. This dream was really detailed compared with all other (yes, all of them) previous dreams I had. Let’s see now, I (and someone else, can’t remember who) decided to play a prank on two unsuspecting persons; something involving a fire, then those two persons died when the fire goes out of control, also killing several firemen who came to stop the blaze. Subsequently, I was convicted (can’t remember dreaming about the trial) and the rest of the long, long dream was, well, the usual stuff you watch on television about repented-but-on-the-death-row people: repented, cried a lot about my actions, wonder if I’ll go to hell, wonder if I’ll see my loved ones in the afterlife (for some very weird reason, I was thinking about my sister), my last supper, etc.

The dream ends after I finish my last supper. I would guess that dreams are affected by emotions, and that a very strong emotion would end the dream prematurely. So that’s as close as I’ll ever get (hopefully, seriously) to my own funeral. Dreams as a warning? Omens? For now, the only thing I think about the dream, is that even the most empathic person in the world can’t imagine the feelings of another person, but first-person perspective (as in a dream) is one way a person can ever come close to feeling what sufferers feel, in waking life.

Song of the Day: Richard Clayderman - Wonderland by Night

There’s a chicken soup for all occasions: for the brokenheart, for birthdays, for colds, etc. This post would be about chicken soup for the people who would be staying home alone on Valentine’s Day.

Like watching the demolition of the house that you grew up in, heartbreak is only temporary. Yeah, right, says the brokenheart victims. It’s true, anyway. Your childhood home gets demolished, you stay in a new home, one that ‘your’ children would grow up in and call ‘their’ childhood home.

Alone? Single? Guess what? There’s a person out there for everybody. No, not one, but two, three, more than you’ll ever expect. They’re just hard to find, like a rare flower growing under a rock in the middle of the Himalayas. Sometimes you’ll stumble on the right rock, and there you have it. Sometimes you’ll pass right on top of it and never see it. Yes, there’s a person out there for everybody, but finding that person is another thing altogether.

Found the one you have been looking for? Good for you. Cherish them with everything you’ve got. Because you’re one of the few thousand lucky ones all over the world who really found your star shining down on you. Never lose sight of that star, it’ll be there even when clouds hide the sky, even when you hide in the deepest, darkest cave, it’ll still be there waiting, shining for you.

Finally, here’s my personal list of “Songs for the Lonely Hearts”:
Brian Tyler - Inama Nushif
Britney Spears - Everytime
Carpenters - Desperado
Celine Dion - It’s all coming back to me now
Cliff Richard - Ocean Deep
Diana Ross - When you tell me that you love me
Jim Lowman and Elaine Reichenbacher - Let It Be Me
Kenny G - Sentimental
Michael Smith - I Will be here for you
Richard Clayderman - Unchained Melody
Richard Marx - Angel’s Lullaby
Richard Marx - Hold on to the Nights
Richard Marx - Until I find you again
They’re not all about lost love, of course, but about hope after the twilight, about finding the sun after the eternal night.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Heh, haven’t been on for a long, long, long, …. okay, it just feels like a long time. A new year is here and how have I improved over the past year? Err, not by much, I think. So, my new year’s resolutions for 2006 are:
1) Will exercise more, specifically, start going for more Aikido lessons. My ex-juniors are now my equals, means I’m too lazy to improve. Need to prepare for March’s grading.

2) Will start paying attention to everything around me. That means reading more newspapers, watching more television, getting more friends, talking more, listening more, etc. Sounds big? Heh, nothing is impossible.

3) Start looking into my future and plan ahead. What am I to do after I graduate? How am I going to work and feed for myself? I got a visit from a recently-graduated friend, and post-graduation working life is enough to drain him as to be left sleeping during the weekends. Shoot, that’s going to suck…

4) Will need to pay more attention to my friends of old, and new ones as well. Don’t think I’ve been doing enough for them. Can’t help it, it’s so ME.

5) Gain more weight? Oh, wait, gain more muscles! Yes, this falls into resolution number One, so count this out.

That’s it for my 2006 resolutions. 365 days to implement them (minus seven days already).
*Song for the day: Michael Smith - I Will Be Here For You*

Its 3.30am, exam is 19 hours away, and here I am, updating my Friendster blog, while the clouds are washing the velvet sky outside. Hem, need to reorganize my priorities. Been a hectic week, electronics assignment, first midterm test coming up, and aikido grading on the 18th. No rest for the weary.
Had a little crisis of faith this morning. Suddenly, my entire world is like, dark, nothing to look ahead. Must be lack of sleep. Luckily I recovered after a while. So, to everybody reading this, get enough sleep, your personality depends on it.
Still, in all the busy moments, still found some time to play Magic ™. The joys of opening a pack and finding lots of goodies inside, ahh, makes even losing the game seem okay. Yep, what matters is not winning or losing, but the process of playing. This applies to most other things as well; studying, cooking, doing mathematics, blogging, finding AC equivalent circuits…ah, okay, drifted off a bit there. Need some sleep, otherwise will go “cranky old man” mode next morning.

Once again, I’m amazed at the human capacity for great deeds of cruelty, or generosity. Someone, I forgot who, once said, that any human, given the freedom to choose, will usually choose to perform a good deed, rather than an evil one. I think it’s from Human Development studies. I think he is correct. It’s the individual’s personal definition of “good” that frequently turns out to be evil in the eyes of the majority, or in the eyes of history. China’s first Emperor Qin, is one. By pacifying the various warring states, he brought peace to the people, bought with the lives of soldiers and his rivals. Adolf Hitler, widely perceived as evil, is hailed as a selfless patriot in Germany. In the end, what is deemed good by one person, or by a group of people, will always be denounced as evil if the majority says so. Life can be very unfair to those minority, whose views and perceptions differ widely from others, whose only right are the right of majority.
P.S. Thanks for the soup, Cindy (^_^)

Coming home one day, opening the door to my room, a lizard went in. Oh no!!! It took me quite some time to ’shoo’ it out with a broom; a broom with a VERY long handle. Killing it would be so messy. Plus, I got this thing about lizards, I shiver when I see one, dead or alive. Funny, I’ve had no problems with crocodiles or dinosaurs. I remember when I was very little, I “somehow” popped a little piece of lizard dropping in my mouth. Okay, topic over. Go throw up now.

Hem, what else? Oh yeah. Aikido club’s got some new members, all foreign students. Sigh. Probably all of them will drop out after a month. Nowadays, so little people wanna get all hot and sweaty learning self-defense (no offense, but girls especially).

Heh, dunno who infected me with the flu (hope its not bird flu, yikes) and now me nose is all stuffy and moist. Cannot sleep at night too. Anyone know a good cure for flu please call me. I’m now taking two vitamin C tablets daily, plus lots of sleeping (come to think of it, I sleep a lot everyday, whether or not I have the flu ^_^).

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I’m with you
And all that I so want to give you.
It’s only a heartbeat away.

When I need love,
I hold out my hands and I touch love.
I never knew there was so much love,
Keeping me warm night and day.

Miles and miles of empty space in between us.
A telephone can’t take the place of your smile,
Oooh, but you know I won’t be traveling forever.
It’s cold out, but hold out and do like I do.

When I need you,
I just close my eyes and I’m with you.
And all that I so want to give you, baby,
It’s only a heartbeat away.

It’s not easy when the road is your driver.
Honey, that’s a heavy load that we bear,
Hmm, but you know I won’t be traveling a lifetime.
It’s cold out, but hold out and do like I do.
Ohhh,

Hmm, when I need love,
I hold out my hands and I touch love.
And I never knew, oh never knew,
there was so much love,
Keeping me warm night and day.
Ohhh,

When I need you,
I just close my eyes and I’m with you.
And all that I so want to give you,
It’s only a heartbeat away,

When I Need,
When I Need,
It’s only a heartbeat away…

“When I Need You” — Julio Iglesias

Feeling sad. Feeling lonely. Is it the weather? Is it the rain? My knees are hurting from all the moisture in the air. No. Don’t feel like doing anything. Feels like nothing is worth the effort. My favourite book can’t tempt me. My favourite song is a pebble in a deep dark lake. Feels like I wanna sleep and dream for the rest of my life. Though I don’t feel like it, I’ll probably be myself again in a few days…

*nope, sorry, no story update today*

With the new Dungeons and Dragons movie coming soon, I’m now “revising” the D&D manuals I’ve got: D&D’s Player Handbook, Monster Manual, Epic Level Handbook, and Deities and Demigods. Such a work of creativity, a whole multiverse of worlds. Worthy of the “Tolkien Creative Award”.

Watched a new Hallmark movie, “Seventh Stream”. Still can make tears spring from me eyes. Ahh, the best movies come from the Hallmark Hall of Fame, with “10th Kingdom”, “Merlin”, “Children of Dune”, etc. Deep inside, I’m still a sentimental idiot, with fantasies of worlds where good always defeats evil, love can overcome darkness, bla bla bla.

It’s in the news again, the riots in France. Part of me wonders why people can’t get along. Part of me is the hypocrite, expecting too much from other people, yet expecting too little from myself. Human nature? Natural human arrogance? After all, history is written by the winners of wars. Try reading German and Japanese history books on World War 2 for a different perspective on the war. Try reading Dan Brown’s famous “Da Vinci Code” for a different look on Christianity. Could be fiction. Could be true. Who knows?

New semester will be starting soon. Gotta pull up my CGPA. All in mere eight weeks. Sigh.

Twice now in two weeks, my inability to speak my mother-tongue with fluency (if at all) had me shunning human contact (or at least with Chinese-speaking people). Looking at my father giving rousing speeches in Mandarin, makes me really…wishing to be half a globe away. Maybe even that isn’t far enough. After all, Mandarin language is rising in prominence, next to English. I should really start looking into taking Mandarin-speaking language classes. I think I can survive without learning to read and write Mandarin.

But then again….My last attempt to learn the language ended when the course was ended prematurely, due to lack of participants. Sucks, isn’t it? Makes me feel all alone in the world. Only when entering MMU I’ve started coming out of my shell, the way I couldn’t with most of my friends at home.

Another semester has come and gone. Much I have learnt (and forgotten). Three exams down, and only Engineering Maths and Field Theory stand in my way to freedom (for a month anyway). I miss home. Sure, Melaka is bigger, older, more stuff to see. Raub is home after all, and much closer to my heart (air’s fresh too, with forests all round). I miss my mother’s cooking. I miss my bed. I miss watering the dozens pots of flowers at home. (P.S. I miss Angel ;P)
A few weeks ago, my laptop’s hard disk crashed. Lots of stuff was gone then. One and a half years of collecting is gone down the drain and all I can do is start collecting again. Since then, I have been rediscovering other sides to myself that I thought I have forgotten. Till now, I still have a great liking for instrumental music, especially ones made for movies. Example, Fantaghiro’s Mio Nemico; The Time Machine OST; Edward Scissorhands’ The Ice Dance. Other music still hold their enchantment as well, such as Richard Clayderman, Yanni, Robert Miles and Bjorn Lynne.
Besides losing my considerable favorite music collection, I’ll also have to rebuild my collection of ebook novels, though I probably can recite them page by page from memory. Again, its the sentimental value. So hard to find good stuff these days, until I find it hard to let go of the past favourites. I’ll probably have the same collection now as when I’ll be 80 years old.